For The Love Of Cheese!
by Elf-Vulcan
Summary: Hawkeye and Trapper hold a funeral for "the cheese". Sequel to "That's My Cheese!" By T'Karish.


For the Love of Cheese... 

Disclaimer: I don't own MASH, I don't claim to own MASH, and I'm not making any money from this. Thank you. 

Author's Note: This is the sequel to 'That's My Cheese!'. By T'Karish. 

"Got any milk?" 

"Oh, no..." Trapper stared at his friend, doubting his sanity. He couldn't quite decide who's sanity he was doubting, but he was doubting sanity nonetheless. 

"Oh, yes..." Hawkeye answered cheerfully. He walked over to the cook. The cook gave him a wary glance and moved so there was something between him and Hawkeye. "Got any milk?" 

"You're in luck! We have plenty of milk! Here! Take it! Just stay away from me!" the cook said, shoving two glasses of powdered milk into Hawkeye's hands. 

"Why, thank you!" Hawkeye beamed and mixed water in with his prizes. He handed the second glass of milk to Trapper. 

"I propose a toast!" he said, raising his glass. 

"To who?" 

Hawkeye contemplated the ground. He looked at the cheese and brightened. "The cheese! Yes, the cheese! Let us hear it for our poor, mangled cheese! He died well!" 

Trapper stared at Hawkeye. He had decided that he was definitely doubting Hawkeye's sanity, and slowly raised his glass. "To the cheese. I suppose it should have a name if we're toasting it." 

"Yes. I shall call it Fred!" Hawkeye smiled happily. "Yes! To Fred!" 

Trapper shrugged and clinked glasses with Hawkeye. "To Fred!" 

Hawkeye and Trapper drained their glasses, ignoring stares from various doctors and nurses. 

Hawkeye carefully picked up the cheese. "Come on." 

Trapper gave him a curious look. "Where are we going?" 

"To give Fred a proper burial, of course! Where else?" 

"Right. Where else? I'll get the shovel," Trapper said, moving slowly away from Hawkeye. 

"Good idea. I'll go find a suitable spot. How about... In Frank's bunk?" Hawkeye suggested. 

Trapper decided maybe Hawkeye wasn't so insane after all. "Right behind you. What should we put on the tombstone?" 

" 'Here lies Fred, now dead.' " Hawkeye started. 

" 'Now we lay him down to sleep-' " 

" 'We him ask in Frank's uniform to seep-' " 

" 'And if he spoils before he wakes-' " 

" 'We ask Frank to be gentle with the stakes.' " 

"Steaks?" Trapper asked. 

"Yeah, when Frank goes after us with stakes," Hawkeye answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

"Where would Frank get steaks? I like mine medium rare," Trapper said hopefully. 

"Not steaks. _STAKES. _You know, S-T-A-K-E-S." 

"Oh, yeah. That makes more sense than Frank coming after us with S-T-E-A-K-S." 

"Oh, look, here comes F-R-A-N-K now." 

Frank glared at them. "I do now how to S-P-E-L-L, you N-O-W." 

"Yes, Frank, we now," Hawkeye answered innocently. 

Frank spluttered. "You- you- you _guys_!" 

"Ah, Frank, someday we should teach you the fine art of retorts. 'Guys' just doesn't cut it," Hawkeye answered sadly. "You should think of something creative. 'Fiends', for example. 'Miscreants', maybe. I, personally, remember fondly the days when the principal would call me in and tell me I was a troublemaker." 

"Really?" Trapper asked, intrigued. "I was called a 'poor example to younger children'." 

"I can't stand around here all day listening to you two. I have a date with Marg- Colonel Blake wants to see me," Frank said, stalking out the room. 

"All right, where on Frank's cot will we make the grave?" Hawkeye asked, pulling 'Fred' out of it's hiding place. 

"How about... Right here?" Trapper suggest patting the middle of the bed. 

"Right. Got a piece of paper and a pen?" Hawkeye asked, patting the covers over the cheese. 

"Yeah," Trapper said, handing Hawkeye the asked-for materials. 

"Okay, here's his tombstone," Hawkeye announced, giving Trapper the paper. Trapper read 

'_Here lies Fred,_

_Now dead._

_He was a _

_wonderful_

_cheddar _

_selection.'_

"Nice," Trapper commented. 

"Thank you. I suppose one of us should deliver a eulogy," Hawkeye answered thoughtfully. 

Trapper cleared his throat. "Dairy to dairy, cheese to cheese. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to honor Fred, a short-lived block of cheddar cheese, and to annoy Frank by burying said Fred in said Frank's bunk." 

"Very nice," Hawkeye complimented. 

"Thank you." 

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bugging device I hid in Margaret's tent." 

"Mind if I join you?" 

"By all means."


End file.
